| the weird part is we were just talking about him |
[04 Jul 2008|08:38am] |
yesterday i had a message from my friend leslie who i haven't talked to in several months....it said to call her...it was about something important. then when i saw rene was trying to get ahold of me i knew it was something serious. i was afraid and freaked out from the moment i saw that and avoided getting back to them for another hour while i took a bath
( read on if you want to )
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| idiots |
[20 May 2008|06:08pm] |
I'm totally frustrated with my friends. I'm sick of people, in general, who say they're going to do something and never stick by their word. I'm sick of people throwing their lives away and taking things for granted. I'm also sick of caring about other people so much that I can't concentrate on shit that I have to do for myself. I wish I could be as cold as some of the people I know, that I could just write people off forever as a waste of life and not think twice about it. But that's not the kind of person that I am, and for this reason I believe I am destined to be miserable, stressed, sad, disappointed, etc. I am by no means perfect and I have done tons of irresponsible, inconsiderate, unappreciative things, but it still makes me upset when other people make the same mistakes I did. I wish people would learn from their mistakes and grow up and stop feeling sorry for themselves and make the most of what they've been given. I get sad and angry and feel hopeless sometimes and in the past it has totally snowballed into crazy, self-destructive behavior. Everyone has their own values and morals and all of that and I'm not saying that I am a role model whatsoever, but I like to think that I'm basically a good person and I have never done anything to intentionally hurt anyone else. I really don't know where I'm going with this, it started as one thing and totally evolved into this huge rant/self-inspection but the bottom line is I think I might start to distance myself from people I'm close to until they wake up because I don't want to lose any more sleep over stupid people and their selfish decisions.
done.
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[06 May 2008|10:10am] |
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mood |
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music |
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jimmy eat world-h model |
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a lot has happened...i always start entries like that when i haven't written in this thing for a while but i'll just do a brief summary of only the events that have had the most impact
Oct. 2007-find out i have dysplasia (basically pre-cancerous cells in my cervix, going back in july for a retest to see if it's gotten better or worse)
Nov. 2007-dog gets out of yard, is later found in a dumpster by a garbage man, in a plastic bag and half alive. my boyfriend and i are the main suspects (still no word on whether they found the actual person who did it or not)
Feb. 2008-new puppy dies after an accident, dies in jason's lap...i never got to say goodbye
Apr. 2008-find out my papa needs surgery to have his spleen and pancreas removed---it's cancer, most of the pancreas is gone and i'm worried because he likes the bottle
Apr. 2008-Danny passed away, I feel incredibly guilty due to the fact that when he first broke edge he blamed it on me...i feel like i should have done more to try and save him (last thing i said to him was "see ya, danny"
Apr. 2008-started drinking heavily to numb the feelings danny's death and my papa's health have been giving me
Apr. 29-drink way too much at zack's house, pretty sure i gave myself alcohol poisoning...throwing up until 5 pm wednesday and nauseated all day thursday still
May 1-moved out of the house i pretty much grew up in and now live with jason at ashley's house (i like it there)
May 4-go to get mail from my dad's house, he asks me what's been going on, i spill the beans about my heavy drinking but let him know it's been a few days since i last had anything
May 5-call my papa who is back in the hospital, the medicine they gave him caused ulcers in his throat...he sounded happy to hear from me/later that night my mother disowns me
I am trying to keep myself as distracted as possible so I don't lose it but it's the hardest thing i've ever done...i was trying to explain the way i feel to jason and he told me i need to go see a therapist and i know he's right but i'm too depressed to talk about it and i have too much anxiety to make the appointment. if i don't drink i have nightmares about danny...not scary dreams but really sad ones, wake up crying and all of that..my poor boyfriend has no idea what to do and i feel guilty when i'm not sad...i know it doesn't make me a bad person but my heart is totally broken...when i was unpacking my things at ashley's i opened up a journal i had and it was open to a page from last summer...it was about danny and part of it said "i just wanted to drive to his house and take him somewhere...but i didn't"
i think that will always be on my conscience...i'm sure whenever somebody loses a person close to them in that kind of way the first thing they do is think about the one thing they could have done to change things...
i quit my job at the bar because i know i shouldn't be in that environment and losing danny has made me realize what things are really important to me and i don't want to waste the time i have hanging out at a bar all night and sleeping the day away...life's too short, and as much as i want to spend more time with my friends, they're all dealing with this in their own way and alcohol plays a big part...i haven't gone out and done anything since the last time i drank...my eating disorder has been in remission for a while so that's positive, but it scares me to think what might happen if there's another tragedy...i haven't done well with change in the past, period. maybe i'm the one who needs to change.
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